The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth