interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.