a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee