Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
uncle dave has been through hell
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.