I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
That’s amazing.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.