they should invent a type of situation that improves.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
LOOOOOOL
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys