I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8