Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?