Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here