IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?