Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm![]()
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
#parenting
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“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”