“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

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I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.


Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.


“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow


I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.


when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”


Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.


Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.


“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.


Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
*Gore kicks door down*


so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.