@trevso_electric

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

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@AngryRaccoon2

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

@krishna_van

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

@huntigula

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

@seriouslyemily

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

@simranstatin

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

@Kauaibride

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.