If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
that colleague who touches your screen
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’