If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
You Might Also Like
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.