I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz