Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Who.
Did.
This?
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.