assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
You Might Also Like
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.