Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
You Might Also Like
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
they really do be looking like this
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing