[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing