there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Just a reminder, folks:
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Bros before Ohioes
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.