I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
What kind of a cult is this?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.