On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me sliding into hell like
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.