As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
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I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I wish I could veto my bills.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.