COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
step 6: release the wall snake
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.