A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
this is the news I live for
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol