Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
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“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
☠️☠️☠️
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.