[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.