If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
same energy
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
You better watch out
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?