Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.