I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands