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Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.