One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
August 8
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”