Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me as a therapist: omg same
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*