My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
You Might Also Like
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion