If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
You Might Also Like
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
What the hell happened here.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.