I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.