In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
You Might Also Like
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Those are good neighbors.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.