You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Life cycle of cat
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.