I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Why font matters.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.