@Smug_Lemur Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
@TheBoydP Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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@Smug_Lemur 
@kelkulus Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
@ozzyunc Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
@phxguy88 The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
@wownicetweets They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
@mylifesuckers My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
@slimmy_shady WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
@ericsshadow When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
@notacroc PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
@tastefactory *ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message