Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
Tell your friends”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”