Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.