Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*