I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”