@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

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@maryfairybobrry

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

@ItsAndyRyan

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

@smerobin

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

@suecorvette

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

@LizerReal

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

@LindaInDisguise

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

@rickkondell

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@MegsHAUSTED

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.