Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
You Might Also Like
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.