I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
You Might Also Like
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.