Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
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Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
next question.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?