It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
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a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Death certificates are our last participation award.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
you gotta be faster
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna