Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
How it started: How it’s going:
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
when dads have a rap battle