I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her