ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong