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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Mhm.
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I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
This is what makes twitter great
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses