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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?