I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Never let them know your next move 😂
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
that de-escalated quickly
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?